In seventh grade my teacher told my parents to cut me some slack; I was feeling too much pressure. That teacher was partially correct. I was feeling a lot of pressure, but it wasn’t coming from my parents. I was very good at accomplishing that myself, thank you very much. In hindsight, I robbed myself of adventure in my pursuit of perfection. “Understanding the difference between healthy striving and perfectionism is critical to laying down the shield and picking up your life. Research shows that perfectionism hampers success. In fact, it’s often the path to depression, anxiety, addiction, and life paralysis.” points out Brene' Brown. Thankfully, since 7th grade, I have gained some insights that have helped establish a framework that encourages wellbeing through healthy levels of risk, fear, and failure.
“...remember that real toughness is taking a breath or two so you can respond instead of react; asking for help when you need it; and realizing that love - not anger - is the best antidote to fear.”
How to Find Confidence
Photo by Isaac Viglione on Unsplash
Recognize the ANTs: Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANTs), when named and called out for what they are, will often lose their power. Don’t give them energy, just simply say something like, “Hello ANTs. I am not going to feed you today.”
Reinterpret Our Physical Response: Excitement and fear have a lot in common when it comes to their impact on us physically (i.e. heart rate increases, sweaty palms etc.). So instead of having these physiological responses create panic, we might see them as simple precursors to an adventure. As Tim Ferriss encourages, “view it as an energetic asset to be used”.
Fail Well: To fail well is to be OLD (own it, learn from it, and make a plan…don’t repeat it). I love this video of Spanx CEO, Sara Blakely, sharing how she came to view failure as not trying versus the outcome. So often we stop before we start out of fear of failure, but by redefining it we will succeed every time we try and learn from our experience.
Break Our Fear Down: Whether we are trying to overcome the fear of public speaking or spend a minute with a snake giving us a hug, the most successful programs include setting the bar extremely low, (i.e. stand up and state your name sit back down, look at a picture of a snake), and then gradually build from there. As we seek to gain new skills and overcome hangups, we will benefit from breaking it into manageable steps.
Embrace Vulnerability: Brene' Brown reminds us, “Vulnerability is not weakness…It fuels our daily lives.” What makes us vulnerable makes us lovable. Vulnerability is the willingness to take a risk (i.e. say “I love you.”, breathe through waiting for the results of a mammogram). This is the birthplace of love, joy and belonging.
Check Our Beliefs: Emotion’s aren’t random; they flow from our beliefs. We can ask ourselves, “What belief do I have about this event?” Often I find I have a tendency to turn good things into “ultimate things”; I de-throne a personal loving God that I believe is my true source of hope. As Timothy Keller puts it, “My fears are directly proportional to the vulnerability of the things that are my greatest joys. If the thing that is my greatest joy is God, I will live without fear. If my one thing … the thing I most want … is God, I am safe.” Taking time to reflect on the impact our beliefs have on our attitude toward risk, fear and failure is foundational to our confidence and cannot be over looked!
Choose Love: Love is the best antidote for fear. When our values are in order, we no longer are trying to control the uncontrollable (i.e. people, circumstances etc.). Instead, we are available to step out in love. As Bob Goff in “Love Does” says, “I used to be afraid of failing at something that really mattered to me, but now I'm more afraid of succeeding at things that don't matter.” “I used to want to fix people, but now I just want to be with them.” “Most people need love and acceptance a lot more than they need advice.” Our acts of love not only improve others’ wellbeing, but they improve ours, too.
What do you do to face your fears and increase confidence?!
“Without fear there cannot be courage.”
Wendy Dellis is a certified wellness coach. She joins years of training and work in the area of behavior change, experience as a fitness instructor and run club coordinator with a passion for adventure and people. She lives in Minnesota with her husband, Jay, and two sons.
Dellis’ adventure in CA, 2019
The information contained on this page is for general information purposes only. Nothing here should be construed as medical or healthcare advice, but only topics for discussion. No physician-patient relationship exists; please consult your physician before making changes in diet or lifestyle.