Thank you, Karen, for sharing in your own words more about how we talk to ourselves, and its impact on our wellbeing...
In my first guest blog post here a few months ago, I began by saying I had been in treatment for depression and how one of the key things I learned is how important it is to be kind to yourself...to be a kind and loving parent to yourself. I’m working on that, I really am. And it’s not easy. Nothing about coming out of a major depression and maintaining mental health is easy, but it’s so worth it!
Now, some would say I shouldn’t share that I had this depression. I should keep this information private because, what if others found out? What if my employer were to know? Shouldn’t I just buck up and manage my treatment and recovery without any discussion or sharing?
It’s always interesting when people tell you what you should do.
More interesting is when you really listen to what you tell YOURSELF you should do.
I’ve come to learn that “should” is a really sh*tty word. It became very clear in therapy sessions how many times I imposed the word “should” into what was wrong in my life. And the should statement always carried a load of shame with it. I should have known this, I should have done that. I should have accomplished more, finished more, slept less, predicted the future….and more.
One day my therapist told me, “You’re shoulding on yourself again.” A couple of people in my group giggled, thinking he said the other "s" word. Then began my quest to stop using the word as much as I can. And here’s why: “should” is not a good word. It really is sh*tty. It basically puts all kind of judgement and shame into something with which you really don’t need to place judgement. Because generally speaking, if you’re saying you should do something, you really don’t want to do it.
I really believe that. But it’s taken me some time to process it. If you say, “I really should XYZ today” then trust me you really don’t want to do it. You will feel guilty for NOT doing it but you want to feel that guilt or shame because it feels comfortable to you due to some issue you have with that topic (that’s a whole other blog post for another day) and somehow it’s just easier to say you should than admit you don’t want to do it. You want to put bad judgement on yourself, for whatever reason, and not own what issue is behind the should. And that bad judgement stemming from that sh*tty shaming should word will start to really eat at you and contribute to bad feelings about yourself.
How did I arrive at this little gem of self care? One day in therapy when I was feeling particularly stuck in a bad groove, I was told to make a list of a) what I had to do that day, b) what I wanted to do to that day, and c) what I should do that day. This was hard because in dark depression I don’t want to do anything but sleep. But I wanted to feel better so I gave the list a try. Here’s kind of how that went:
- Need to do: Pay bills, make appointments for my daughter, prepare for Special Olympic practice (I was a coach). I had to do this so I did.
- Want to do: Garden. I wanted to do this but felt guilty about doing so because I had other things I should do. So I didn’t do what I wanted to do.
- Should do: go for a run/walk, update resume (I was between jobs at the time.) I definitely didn’t do this and felt like sh*t because I should have done it.
Why was this so enlightening for me? Because the things on my should do list were not at all interesting to me at the time, but they should have been interesting to me…and I wasn’t ready to face the real fact that something that used to be important to me just wasn’t important at that time. It would mean I had to admit something about my identity was maybe shifting, and that was not easy to face. And instead of just owning that it wasn’t what I wanted to do because of where I was at in my recovery, I gave myself horrible shame and guilt about that, and I let these shoulds get in the way of doing what I actually wanted to do. I’d say to myself, “What the *&% Karen, you’re a former Division I track runner, you’ve done 26 marathons, what kind of lard-a$$ have you become to not want to run? And your resume isn’t going to update itself, you aren’t being very proactive, sister!” (Note: I did mention in my earlier post that I wasn’t too kind to myself at this time and this is yet another example.)
I’ve worked on a solution for this. Instead of using should statements, I now decide IF what I’m shoulding about is really something I want to do, need to do or something I’m just full of sh*t about and really don’t want/need to do at that time. It’s all in taking the should out and replacing it with I want or need to do. Here are some ways I’ve actually been doing that:
Instead of: “I really should eat better and lose some weight.”
I say: “I really want to get back into running because it’s so good for my mental health…Making better food choices/trimming down would be better for training and reduce risk of injury.” OR “I want to look and feel better and need to make these healthier food choices to help my confidence.” Converting the should statement into a more motivating need/want statement clarifies a statement into actions that are more specific and motivating (and less shaming).
Instead of: “I need to go visit/have lunch with/connect with so-and-so.”
I say: “So-and-so is important to me and it will make me happy to do this and I NEED to have some joy.” OR “I do really want to see so-and-so but it’s just not a good time, and to make time to do this right now will really interrupt my schedule. I can’t make this a priority at this time and as a friend they will understand.” Then it’s either on my list or not on my list and the shame of the should is gone.
Bringing this full circle to the top of my post, some who said maybe I shouldn’t share my depression journey really did me a favor. Because it also forced me to clarify that should statement for myself.
Instead of: “You shouldn’t share your depression story with others because what will they think?”
I say: “I need to share my depression story because it helps me to continue my recovery. It allows me to advocate for more open discussions about depression and mental health issues so we don’t have so much shoulding and shaming placed on those who suffer from this illness.” The last thing a depression and mental health discussion needs is sh*tty shoulding.
I’ll suggest you give this a try, but I’ll stop short of telling you that you should do it.
Karen lives with her husband and daughter in Chanhassen, Minnesota. She works in advertising for a large advertising agency in New York. She’s an advocate for the Down syndrome community and a Coach for Special Olympics MN. In her spare time, she enjoys running and gardening, while listening to Prince music.
This is Karen’s first-ever blog post, and she’s hoping as she finds her voice as a mental health and Down syndrome advocate she will be more inspired to share her journey with more writing.