The other day I forgot my work clothes and didn’t realize it until after I hopped out of the sauna at the health club. Since I had no time to go home, I ended up going to my teaching job in a running skort and t-shirt. That brought on a perfect opportunity for a sense-of-humor and some self-compassion.
Historically low self-esteem has been credited for just about anything including teen pregnancy, drug abuse and homicide. California state assemblyman John Vasconcellos, in 1986, stated what many then and now believe, raising self-esteem is “a vaccine for major social ills”. Kristin Neff, a psychology professor at the University of Texas, positions the trouble with this argument is not about self-confidence, but the resulting undermining of others and/or comparing our achievements to those around. This is not only unsustainable, but it can also lead to narcissism and depression. The “low self-esteem argument” is misguided and leads to a reduced sense of well-being; there are times that high self-esteem can be bad for your health!
Photo by Lesly Juarez on Unsplash
Where self-esteem fails us, because it is highly contingent on success, self-compassion provides hope. The three key components of self-compassion include: (a) self-kindness in instances of pain or failure (vs. self-criticism), (b) perceiving one's experiences as part of the larger human experience (vs. separating and isolating oneself), and (c) mindfulness (vs. over identifying with painful thoughts and feelings). In other words, self-compassion “recognizes that imperfections, faults, and difficulties in life are universal and are therefore less likely to be self-critical, harsh, and judgmental.” When we can see ourselves as flawed, but deeply loved and valued, as author, Timothy Keller says, it leads to "deep humility and deep confidence at the same time. It undermines both swaggering and sniveling. I cannot feel superior to anyone, and yet I have nothing to prove to anyone. I do not think more of myself nor less of myself. Instead, I think of myself less." As our focus changes there are a number of benefits to our well-being!
Self-compassion’s health benefits:
1. Resilience and better coping in the face of adversity
2. Reduction in duration of depressive episodes
3. Improved relationships
4. Enhanced motivation
5. Increased self-confidence
6. Stronger immune function
7. Stabilized glucose levels
8. More likely to eat well and exercise
9. Increased longevity
Photo by Courtney Prather on Unsplash
Self-compassion can be cultivated. Start by expanding your understanding of mindfulness, Timothy Keller's insights, and the value of a growth mindset. Work on good healthy laughter that is not cynical or sarcastic, but is somewhat self-degrading and playful. Re-frame your day through gratitude exercises. Then engage the physiological compassion system through physical touch. Yes! Give someone a hug today! Finally, next time you feel defeated, ask yourself, "What would I say to a close friend in this situation?" (Keep in mind, though, that a good friend would not provide excuses, but in a loving, non-judgmental way provide encouragement).
This is an update on a past blog called Self-esteem is NOT the Answer.
Wendy Dellis is a certified wellness coach. She joins years of training and work in the area of behavior change, experience as a fitness instructor and run club coordinator with a passion for adventure and people. She lives in Minnesota with her husband, Jay, and two sons.
The information contained on this page is for general information purposes only. Nothing here should be construed as medical or healthcare advice, but only topics for discussion. No physician-patient relationship exists; please consult your physician before making changes in diet or lifestyle.